The Lady in My Life

“…and I don’t know how you do it, making love out of nothing at all…”

Women…women….women…

Sometimes, I just can’t understand you to save my life. I do my best to be as objective as I can, see your point of view, accept the shortcomings of men, listen, question, analyze, etc., hoping to make sense of what it is to be with you. Ugh…

“What you won’t do, you do for love. You’ve tried everything, but you don’t give up…”

This classic musical snippet may have nothing to do with the blog, but I don’t care. Bobby Caldwell hit it with that one…

As some of you know, I have taken the essential step of adulthood and left the nest. This is both a blessing and challenge. I love every day of it. I feel that true feeling of independence, and my mind has been able to focus on getting my life straight, so that the rest of my life can come together.

As with most praise reports, you want to share the good news with friends. Sharing this news is not only a blessing to report, but it’s also nice to have the support of my friends as I move forward int personal development. My male friends big me up, give me the physical or textual fist bump, and we keep it moving. I know my army continues marching with me.

Some of my female associates/friends are a different story, altogether. I tell them I have my own place. Their response:

“who are you living with/you don’t have a woman tucked away/you got married?/so you got a woman now?”

NOWHERE did ANY of these topics come up before I stated my status update, and nowhere did they indicate such a concern before I said this. How? Why? When? What?

How in the world do you equate a man moving out of his parents’ house just to run into a home with a woman? Is there some ingrained female motivation in every step a man takes? The woman who thinks so is giving herself too much credit.

Why do women feel that the weights and frustrations they hang on men outweigh their own transgressions to the point of not needing to be mentioned? A dude jumps the gun and frustrates a woman with sexual innuendo, his face is on a Wanted poster. This happens, it’s supposed to be “they way women are”? Ummmmm, I’m gonna say no. This is just as aggravating/frustrating. Just like there is more to a woman than her body parts, there is more to my life than me (not) having a girlfriend/wife.

When did women feel so inclined to use unrelated convo topics to ask if a man is married? Getting married is a pretty large step, and one I would wager to not overstep just to mention I moved out. Me telling you that I moved out should tell you that I will tell you what I want you to know, and if you don’t hear me bring it up, then as far as you’re concerned, it’s nothing worth bringing up. Stop asking.

What goes through a woman’s mind when she crafts these bold unrelated statements/assumptions? There have been times that women have made these statements, as I would continue on, as if I am in silent agreement. If you feel as confident in the assumption as to introduce it without provocation, then who am I to tell you’re wrong? At that point, your assumption has already taken the power of introduction from me, so keep it.

I say it time and time again. My issue is not with the things women have against men. Just take the same ownership we do. Then again, I don’t wanna say. I want you to make the adjustments you think you should make. I would love to see how you change without direction.

Then again, they said…

-B

Penny Lover

Gifts. Gifts. Gifts. Things of value that are given, blah blah blah. I wanted some kind of intellectual way to jump into this, but nothing’s coming to mind.

I am not speaking on the aspect of gifts themselves, but I am saying is it ever a good idea NOT to accept a gift, and if so, when do u get there?

I think, mostly, these issues fall into 2 categories: gifts from people you don’t want to build with and people who give conditional gifts. This can also be combined with the urge to benefit from the gift with the loophole, which I’ll get into later. This kenetic chain of causation, preparedness, and reaction can lead to more burden than the benefit of the gift.

The first issue is the source of the gift. If you know you don’t like the person like that, you have a RESPONSIBILITY to reject the gift and let that person know. I hear from so many women that they don’t wanna hurt the man’s feelings that they allow themselves to dig deeper into the trench. From a gift giver’s point of view, your acceptance of the gift tells me that you like me enough to accept the gift, in addition to liking the gift itself. If I don’t light your fire, let me know, so I can give the gift back, get my money back, and everyone’s even.

The next curveball comes when a gift is given conditionally, with the intent to keep the person on the hook for a favor to be redeemed later. Yes, I’m sure we all know that the textbook definition of a gift is to be given WITHOUT strings attached, but realists know this is not often te case. Sure, this is a double-edged sword, but in the world ofthe emotionally competitive, things are rarely as they seem.

Then, there’s the loophole: someone accepts a gift, seeing the road signs down the street. They love the gift, and all its advantages, but when the return is expected, the loophole of “you didn’t HAVE TO give me a gift” is thrown up. Somehow, this loophole is aimed at shifting culpability to the gift giver. Had (s)he simply not given the gift, this issue would not exist. This way, the gift receiver keeps all of the gift, while getting off the hook on being required to provide any returns.

This cocky reponse may start more fires than it extinguishes, though. Some may tear into it like wet paper, while some may see the carnivorous nature of the person and cut them off. People who are known to e quick to receive and slow to give are often societally red flagged.

All thisto say watch out for the “free lunch”. Things are RARELY completely free of charge nowadays, so please take caution when a gift is offered to u. Note the source and the gift’s background.

-B

Bad

Essence, Ebony, Cosmo, Mademoiselle. All these fashion/lifestyle magazines that preach about how to make a man do this/that, how to tell what a man is thinking/doing, etc. Women adhering to the messages ad conclusions sent out, with the intent of getting/keeping a man. I believe that this frame of mind not only leads down a course of action that in most cases DOESN’T work (told to me by the women who read these articles), but it promotes a frame of mind that is less honest with herself and promotes people pleasing.

I’m a firm believer that you know how you operate better than anybody on Earth. No matter who you are and how much we aspire to become better, we will never become perfect. I also believe that if you are dealing with someone, the best way to deal with other people is the best way you can, all while being honest with yourself. Allowing a magazine to find different ways of attempting to mail the same message every month in different envelopes serves to not only confuse, but to disallusion.

Even greater than that, I think the greatest problem comes in when dealing with the man you have your eyes on. If you are completely changing yourself and you habits based on a 2 page article in a magazine to get a man, what will happen when you get him? Do you stop what got you there, or do you keep the charade going? What happens when magazine advice conflicts with another mag? What do you do when you get yourself deep, and the man throws a curve not covered in the article?

I think the statistics and tests in these magazines do more harm than help. Yes, the magazines have a rich cultural history, and yes, the advice in the mags can be somewhat useful to open ur eyes, but again, moderation is key. Too many people look for a quick fix in these articles, and of course, those sand castles wash away. Bottom line, belief in yourself will outweigh multiple choice personality and compatibility tests.

-B

Mr. Heartbreak

I don’t wanna get over, I just wanna know

When is a good time to say “I’m sorry”?
Have you spoiled goodness beyond repair
Eating baked cakes before feeding yourself
Ruining your appetite for proper nourishment

How do you stop caring with a heart so large?
Where is the switch that activates apathy
To drop your concern at a moment’s notice

When does confidence cross over to arrogance?
When does belief in self go too far
Is it in the beholder’s eye, or a part of you
Does scaling back denote the sacrifice of self

What do you do when desire outweighs preparation?
Knowing what you want, but knowing you’re not ready
Is it a lie to allow your desires to live?

Why consider stopping when going feels so good?
The fire inside making you want to be more
Only to hear that you need to pump your brakes
How long can you “do you” at the expense of others
Caught in the grips of power and the future

How can you consider patience on a hot streak?
With all going well, suddenly told to stop cold
When the bulk of facts present, you wanna go
Are these healthy comments detractions or prophecies

How hard does one go to be “right”?
How far to go just to see the other side concede
Is being right worth it or diminishing returns
A monument to nothing but “you were right”
Does making others submit have a price tag

I’m not criticizing. I just wanna know.

-B

Groove Me

Song titles/lyrics that wrap up how I’m feeling:

-with a child’s heart, nothing’s gonna get me down
-hold me closer, tiny dancer
-I’ll be there to protect you with an unselfish love that respects you
-I don’t wanna stay here in this big ol’ house all by myself…
-I hook up with this taboo love and time freeze like…
-this is it…here I stand…I’m the light of the world, I feel grand…
-the Saints are coming!!!!!
-I’d love to spend more time, but I so many things to do
-people think I’m crazy cause I worry all the time/if you paid attention, you’d be worried, too…
-there have been others, but never two lovers like music and me…

-B

Gloria

I remember this Enchantment classic would play on what was 102.9 (now 106.7) everyday. I remember learning it and loving everything about this song.

I’ve had a couple Glorias in my life, most notably a lady I’ll (la)Madeline McKenzie. Sometimes, I go back and think about what once was and will never be again. I remember my life change and how I totally broke down and became one of those guys in those romantic movies. She was my mission, and I went through so many shifts wanting to get another chance. Sadly, I wasn’t granted one, and things haven’t been the same since.

I think it really makes you think. I can see why people don’t converse after one party has been rejected. I look at her, and I’m reminded of what once was. Being happy for someone you want who’s with someone else is VERY difficult, and not everybody can handle the same amount of exposure after they’ve found someone else.

Ms. McKenzie is probably not reading this, but Gloria, things ain’t been the same since you went away…

-B

Laid Back Girl

The song Laid Back Girl by Frankie B and Maze says something that needs to be said. I was asked how long it takes for a man to commit, how long it takes for a man to want to get married, etc. I was flabbergasted. I could not believe that I was being put on the spot to give a cookie cutter time frame of when a woman can expect certain things to happen. As with most things that are worth having in life, love has no set timeline or time frame.

My response to the questions was that it depends on the woman. Depending on the compatibility of the parties involved, that timeline could be moved forward or back. It depends on the man involved. It depends on the woman (sometimes the man wants the relationship sooner than the woman does). Looking at the global variables, there’s no specific answer that can be given.

Then, when the shoe is on the other foot, and men are the ones asking about timelines, the woman gets offended. She wants to take her time and wants her desires for pacing to be respected without question or objection. There’s something very lopsided about that. Is one party immune to the requirement they make of others?

Why do we rush? Why are we always in search of guarantees? Why can’t we go back to the days of relying on our instincts and hunches and trusting in the higher power that sounds so comforting telling other people? You will make far more mistakes rushing than you would if you had taken your time…

-B

If You Don’t Know Me By Now

I’m officially confused. I have always been one to believe that you should say what you mean and want it as well. I just can’t get with this notion of conversing with someone, hunting for a particular type of answer, then once you get the answer you want (or interpret what you feel is as such), it becomes this offensive remark that they were not aware of before you told them. It seems as though situations like this turn into lose-lose situations, and they are best left unanswered.

It’s like you engage in a conversation with someone you trust and the conversation leads to you really expressing something that’s on your brain. They get a case of tunnel vision and are set on finding out a particular thing, which leads to the ever-popular cliche’ of “just say what you gotta say”. I gotta admit, I say this myself, but when I do, I really want you to say what you gotta say. However, what they may be asking me to “just say” might conflict/offend them, or you just have that much respect for them that you would not feel comfortable revealing what is really going on. Either way, you deny wanting to reveal it for your stated reason. You spend excessive time explaining the back story and why the “secret” should not be as offensive, an that it should be dropped.

This answer is not good enough, though, and they continue to poke and prod, to which you respond by CONTINUING to beat around the bush, but moving ever so closely to it, because you don’t want to avoid or disregard their curiousity (you DO trust them, after all). You inch and inch, while they continue to go ghetto Barbara Walters on you to “get the true story”. You ramble and ramble, hoping that it will eventually lead to some semblance of an explanation that they are satisfied with and will leave it where it is.

Then, the magic moment comes. You are tired of them being tired of you beating around the bush. They just want to hear it. Again, you hear “JUST SAY WHAT IT IS AND STOP BEATING AROUND THE BUSH!!!”, much to your chagrin. You just WISH the would find a way to respect where you don’t want to go and drop it. Naaaaaah, black. That doesn’t lead to any substantial gains. So, their nose gets deeper and deeper to the point that you say to yourself “okay, maybe they’re right. Lemme just say this and cut the speculation.”

Then you say it: “I don’t really love you like you love me” or “I’m attracted to your friend” or “I think you’re reading too much into this relationship” or whatever (these are extreme examples, but I’m giving examples of things that you might not want to tell people right off the bat). THEN, the ol’ switcheroo happens. THEN, the histrionics and the feared reactions kick in. They become quiet, their voices more hesitant, social reservation kicks in, and they become instantly introverted. Conversely, they could become volatile and blow up at you, making you the cause for their unforeseen misery. They neglect the fact that you did NOT want to say this (or in some cases, you DID say it, but their perverted interpretation of your comment makes you wish you said nothing) the whole time. They neglect the ENTIRE backstory which, under normal circumstances, would have exonerated you of all wrongdoing.

My beef sets in here. DON’T poke and prod and beseech me for my opinion, comment, or whatever if you’re not prepared for it. That lie of “just tell me the truth, I won’t get upset” is bullshit. If you fear my answer, either pick your questions carefully, cease to ask questions, or man the fuck up and respect my mind and keep ticking.

That’s NOT to say if you try to reverse it and they have a problem with that. For instance, you say “I think your sister’s pretty,” and they have a problem with that. Then, you retell the entire backstory of how it came about and why it’s not the big deal they think it is. You switch up to some “she can wait forever, darling, she won’t ever get my love,” George Duke type shit. Then, their story switches: “Well,
why NOT?! My sister is VERY pretty an you would WANT to like her!” Makes you feel like you’re in a damn sitcom.

Fuck all that radio shit. Situations like these SUCK. You don’t say anything, you’re accused of holding back. You say it and it’s something they don’t like, you suffer that wrath (or introversion). You try to explain yourself, you’re considered a cruel being, only out for self. You become the blame of it all. There is no caution to throw to the wind. There is no recourse, no second chance. You cannot dirty delete spoken word. The way I see it, respect my mind. Either be comfortable with whatever I have to say (provided I’ve given the proper backstory and grounds for explanation) or just get used to me shutting up and not opening up to you. If we are to be really close, there should be no “conditional” sharing. Just me, maybe I’m a little messed up in the head. Do you mislead them with a lie or do I risk pissing them off by being honest? It’s so confusing, I had to put it in Haiku form.

Man, I just can’t with
Either thoughtless or heartless
I’m damned, do or don’t

-B

Girl Don’t Come

A wise man once said “A man that can stand up on his own two feet doesn’t need to be stood up.”

-B

Money (That’s What I Want)

“Can’t nothin’ a broke n-gga do for me but point me towards a n-gga with money…”

-Ms. Fulsom

I heard this nonsense at a party I was blessed to attend (the salsa was off the chain!) the other night. Seeing as I was the only “stranger” amongst friends, I played it back and kept ears open, mouth shut. The loudest of the group of 9 blurted this crap out, and I was so taken aback, I had to make sure I kept my mouth shut. She KEPT going off about how a broke man was less of a man and she was less concerned with a man being good to her, because she was about going to the mall.

This leads me back to a yin-yang cycle of duality that I’ve stereotypically noticed between males and females. Males want sex, the women want money. The women seem to not wanna look like they’re being used for their body, so they want a valuable asset of the male’s: his money. The male doesn’t wanna look like a trick, breaking bread without a return on his investment, so he wants a valuable asset of hers: her vagina. Round and round we go. Of course this doesn’t apply to all inter-gender relations, but we can all acknowledge that it does exist.

You also have to look at the fact that every good man is not of extraneous means. One of my friends who bartends at a club told me this story:

A guy comes up to his bar with a female he’s obviously trying to get with. In true club fashion, I guess, he is offering to buy her a drink. Her choice of drink? An Incredible Hulk (a mixture of Hennessey and Hypnotiq). He got a shot of Crown for himself. My friend quotes twenty dollars as the ultimate total, to which the guy’s face is shocked into reality. Not wanting to look cheap to the female, he pays the tab and gives the bartender a couple dollars as a tip. He continued to entertain the woman, but never again offered to buy her another drink.

A couple things could have been changed in this scenario: he could’ve not paid for it, he could’ve told her up front what his financial limits were, etc. The thing is, though, spending money or giving of one’s sexual goods is a gamble. Whoever gives in first is at risk of being “played”, which is never a good feeling. So, the battle goes on…

Then, another thing about it is that there is no concrete definition of “broke”. The fact that the woman at anytime can declare you as a “broke n-gga” can put a hustler at her mercy. He can be a good man of modest means (meaning that he doesn’t splurge and would rather save than spend), and because he isn’t bending at her every financial whim, he may be declared “broke” and shunned aside with “the rest of them”.

Then again, I think if a man is foolish enough to not only lead his courting efforts with his money, but to also be LED and strung along, based on this very principle, is JUST AS BIG a problem. Money seems to be more smoke and mirrors for laziness and/or a shortcut, as opposed to a means of acquiring life’s luxuries. This ends up being a double edged sword when moderation is thrown out the window. Then, the woman who gets used to the money subconsciously makes it a condition to enjoy her company, while the man may subconsciously push the envelope, looking for a return on his investment. If you look at it from the two perspectives involved, the money can be more of a hindrance than help. I could go on about the whole “pay to play” nonsense, but I won’t go there (at least not in THIS blog entry!).

I know I’m speaking on all this because I can’t wrap my mind around the thought process that leads to this line of logic, but it just boggles my mind. There’s an answer somewhere, but I’m sure it won’t make much sense. Some things may really require you to BE in the situation to get it. To each…his own (but in this case, his AND hers!)…

 

-B