I was asked this question via Twitter a couple minutes ago:
“why are men intimidated by a woman who has her own?”
My response to this question is multifaceted. On the one hand, most guys will say it’s because you don’t need us. I agree with that to an extent. On the other hand, I think this sense of “having her own” sounds like there are more issues with the WOMAN than with the man’s inability to handle her. Let’s take this one hand at a time. Walk with me…
Yes, as a gender, men are hunter, gatherer, provider, problem solvers. Yes, men look to be able to find opportunities to take their societal relationship role and get into a position of leadership in some aspect. As the Frankie Beverly and Maze song goes, “I Want to Feel That I’m Wanted, baby, I Need to Feel That I’m Needed.” Who wants to go into a relationship with no way to positively impact the other person’s life? To a woman who has her own, we (men) cannot find a….”void” to fill in her life because she already has it. When we feel that we can’t add to you, we come to the conclusion that you don’t need us, and our romantic interest in you begins to fade away.
Also, this phrase is usually uttered by lazy men who have no drive to do for themselves, but would rather lay on the leg of the woman their with. “Get the most payoff for the least amount of work” seems to be the lazy man motto, and once they encounter a woman who requires them to WORK for her time and attention and resources, this cop out is the FIRST thing to fly out of their mouth. “You too independent”, “you too intelligent”, “you act like you’re all that”, etc. Well, I’m a firm believer that if you are operating at a particular level, and you’ve got the work track record to prove it, you’ve earned the right to be who you are. A lot of things factored into me being the intelligent man that I am, and I’m not going to sacrifice that to be with someone who feels they can’t keep pace. Women DESERVE the right to feel empowered by their success, because nowadays, a lot of men are quick to downplay it as a means of amplifying their own accomplishments. Foolish, foolish pride.
Let’s look at the flip side, though. HOW and HOW QUICKLY do I know you have your own? A woman who FLAUNTS her independence seems to be obsessed with showing us (men) that she doesn’t need anything from us. You don’t want me challenging you mentally, you read more scripture than I, you have a home, a vehicle, and money, and you make SURE I’m aware of it, so I don’t get any funny ideas during the oft misleading “up front” period.
To a real man, this kind of front bears resemblance to the Napoleon complex, because it may be a defensive compensatory move. Why is it IMPERATIVE that you make sure I know THAT aspect of you right off the bat? To me, this goes back to the human condition of acting in the polar opposite of our fears and weaknesses. I spoke to a young lady in her late 20′s who said she only dates men in their late 30′s-early 40′s why she chose that demographic, and she replied she had been in an abusive relationship with a 20-something, so she hoped that by dismissing the demographic altogether, she wouldn’t have to face that possibility again. In this situation, from women I’ve talked to who, it comes from them being misled by a man who presented a means for which she could depend on him, and ended up being manipulated because of it. In other instances, they felt like there was a more of a power shift, and they felt that they were no longer taken seriously once they stopped asserting themselves. I really wonder how much “her own” that she actually has, because if she had her own, she’d have her own MAN, too. This leads to the whole philosophy of “she’s got everything but sexual attention”, but that’s another blog.
For whatever reason that she has her own, real men are not devoid of the main thing that makes them real men: respect. No matter the person, situation, background, or circumstance, he knows how to give respect when it’s earned. When respect is present, intimidation cannot be. Real men aren’t intimidated, they’re motivated. Let’s get it!
-B
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Brother, you were obviously using your time wisely when we spoke earlier. This is a brilliant assessment of modern day male/female relations in this country. “Real men aren’t intimidated, they’re motivated”.Perfect quote.
A strong woman is an asset not a liability.
I was listening to a radio show during which the host, who was a black man asked why black womem doctors, lawyers and other professionals who complain that there are no good black prospects out there don’t date the janitor at the hospital or the garbage man. In what other race do you hear men, fathers, brothers uncles, asking their women to NOT look for men who are as successful, if not more successful than they are? I wondered why this radio host wasn’t asking why are our men are not acheiving at the same levels as our women? Or why are we conditioning our people to expect less from brothers? Brothers, you don’t belong on the short yellow bus, you belong at the head of the class…act like it.
And sistas, our strength and ability have kept our families together since slavery, but we CAN NOT be afraid to let a strong, capable man lead. Sistas we spend so much time building the fort, we forget to let someone in who will help us hold it down. Remember men’s shoulders are broader than ours for reason.
We must get past the insecurities and mistrust that were instilled in our ancestors to keep them marginalized, weak and vulnerable to exploitation. We must celebrate one anothers’ accomplishments, appreciate our stengths, and start to truly love each other.
Peace and blessings,
T