If It Isn’t Love

Wow. I feel that every time I blog, I have to do this big re-introduction. Y’all know who I am and what I’m about! Let’s get into it!

Today, I want to talk about the effect of how you treat someone on them building an attachment to you. I have been accused of leading a lady or two on in my day, so I’ve found myself trying to break the situation down. I know the first way to totally ruin myself is to break women down to some type of scientific formula, but in the interest of not being a picture on a dart board, I think it’s worth the look. I think it’s some or all of 4 factors: what you say, how you act, a lethal combination of the two, or a concoction of their heart that is out of your control. Naively, you would like to think that it’s not your fault, as most good-natured people don’t INTEND to lead people astray. However, I heard a saying by local talk radio DJ, Tommy Tucker: the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Al Jarreau and I will delve into this and break it down. Keep in mind that I am FAR from the world’s foremost expert on the subject. It’s just my take.

1.) What you say: Let’s face it, the easiest form of analytical communication is spoken word. Words are like lines drawn in the sand. They are forever burned into the annals of history as a record of your stance on something (or maybe not. It just sounded cool and deep as I was typing). When dealing with a person of the opposite gender, what you say is becoming more and more important, especially as we begin to rely more and more on technology to bring us together. We are texting, Twittering, Facebooking, and phone calling FAR more than face-to-face’s nowadays, which leaves us relying on word choice and tone to denote our intent.

To those that may not be cunning linguists, words may be what they are: a straight-forward and inartful (thanks Barack!) means of conveying thought. What you say is what you mean, cut and dry. There’s nothing to misconstrue, nothing to take out of context. Those who present more flair with their words, however, can use their words with more of a persuasive edge to them (consciously or subconsiously). These people, I feel, are put into a deeper state of concern, because their words may accidentally lure people into areas that may bring them grief when the light shines on it. What an uncomfortable feeling to be confronted with the reality that a chair you think is yours and have begun preparing yourself to sit in isn’t yours.

With that said, I think there IS something to this notion. You simply CANNOT say whatever to whomever. Everyone is not in the same personality space (which I’ll get into later), and different words read different ways. Sometimes, the flair and depth simply MUST be toned down if you don’t want to allow for deep interpretation. If it is what it is and that’s it, your speech must reflect that. Things like pet names, excessively descriptive praise, emotional phrasing, and seductive tones can (and in most cases, will) lead the person on the other end to read more into what they’ve heard/read than may actually be there. The world seems to spare no expense with its harsh truths, and people whose words can take us away from that for a while and give us FEELINGS of pleasure and comfort draw us to them. It seems that words are NOTHING without the feelings they invoke, and are really just means to an end.

2.) What you do: Again, it would seem that this is a given. What you do is even MORE telling that what you say, because while words can sell wolf tickets, actions show intent and priority. You can TALK a good game about two opposing points of view, but your ACTIONS will determine which cause you BELIEVE in. It’s been said many times that people will put time and money into things they believe are a priority. Sometimes, this truth of human nature may burn us, while other times, it remains a beacon of hope, because without action, no progress can be made.

Carrying this forward, when spending COPIOUS amounts of time with a person of the opposite gender may lead them to get even more comfortable with you than they may have without it. When you allow them to lay their cares on your shoulder, to be their voice of nurturing and concern, to be their beam and beacon of solace, I believe there are a set of feelings that begin to form. I think this happens because, at the VERY least, we’re attached and protective of the thoughts/ideas that present us as vulnerable, and when we feel close enough to someone to share those inner vulnerable thoughts, we grow closer to the person we share them with.

In addition to the time is WHAT IS DONE with the time. When there are certain, how should I put this, affectionate actions that happen, feelings begin to develop, because like with the ideas, people put a greater value on affectionate actions on that which is not given freely. On the movie The Incredibles, the villain said “once everyone is special, then no one will be”. To bring this into the matter at hand, when you give out certain affectionate actions to ANYONE who wants it, it ceases to hold any special value. It just becomes an extension of your body to YOU, while still holding the sacred meaning to the other person. Something as “simple” as a hug isn’t JUST a hug to everybody. Things like constantly wanting to make yourself available to them and wanting to come to their rescue can send the wrong message.

3.) A lethal combination of the two: My grandfather said “listen to what a person says and watch what a person does”. These sage words still carry PLENTY of truth to them. As stated before, words can deceive, and actions can be made to tell the tale. Words not mixing with actions can really make things difficult, because it may confuse others, because they may have built up a particular view of you based on how you’ve presented yourself in word, while your actions may contradict that in very inopportune times.

When dealing with someone of the opposite gender, you can’t tailor your speech to not lead the person on, all the while, keeping up your deceptive actions. Don’t avoid talking to them outside of 5 minutes, but see nothing wrong with cuddling up with that person, I regret to inform you that you’ll more than likely STILL send that message. Likewise, you can’t ACT like the person doesn’t exist, all the while chanting sweet nothings at them when you get the chance. It’ll open the person up to the possibility that something deeper may STILL be there, so their response may still feel validated.

4.) A concoction of their heart: Bobby Byrd’s “I’m Not to Blame” just started playing. Wow. Anyway, sometimes, no matter HOW much you filter yourself and HOW much you stay away from them, they will build up whatever they want because it fits their own internal endgame. A friend of mine calls them “thirsty”, and no matter how little attention you give them, they see your attention as an opportunity. These people run on their own intentions, and nothing you can do will change it.

This one is the one a lot of people would like for it to be, because the “fault” lies in THEM, so your actions are washed clean. That way, the change need not come from YOU, but recommend help for them. However, I think in most cases, #3 is the reason we end up in the situations we do. If you are dating multiple people, you cannot issue a blanket “I’m seeing other people”, but just expect you can continue physical-ating with them like it’s all good. Likewise, you can’t figure just because you aren’t touching the person that no harm is being caused. You have no idea how attached you can grow to feel for someone you’ve never met.

I guess the new issue becomes how do you solve it? How do you not lead people on, how do you not break hearts, how do you not lead people to brew up feelings, only to be let down? Even deeper, how do you accomplish these feats when you actually DO care about people and actually DON’T want to see hurt come to them? How do you juggle the two? I’m still trying to figure THAT part out.

-B

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